Good!

Ultrasound today was great! Baby had grown in the last week and is now visible via abdominal ultrasound. Measuring 6w5d with a heart rate of 130. Due date January 27. Next up, my first prenatal appointment with my OB on June 19 and first trimester screening on July 17. Both these dates feel like an eternity away, but luckily juggling two toddlers and a full time job keep me plenty occupied.

I am debating making an OB switch. I love love love my doc and the others in the practice, but it's not the nicest hospital in town and now our insurance covers any hospital I want...I do feel like I got excellent care with the girls, but I wonder if I am doing myself a disservice by not switching to an OB out of the new fancy hospital that is even closer to where we live. I think there is a lot to say for staying with a doctor that is familiar with my last pregnancy, but how important is that? Thoughts?

And, on another topic, is anyone else having problems with blogger? I cannot comment on other blogger posts. Every time I hit "publish" my entry is cleared and no comment published. Anyone know a fix?

Good-ish news?

I started spotting yesterday, and it continued through this morning. I was convinced this pregnancy was over (or had never even started). I went to my ultrasound alone this morning, I couldn't bear to see the look of disappointment on B's face.

The ultrasound tech started with an abdominal scan and saw nothing. She instructed me to empty my bladder and we'd try again with the internal scan. She also brought in the doctor to take a look. We saw the sac right away and then the most beautiful flutter of a heartbeat I've ever seen. The doctor was very encouraged by this and said this all bodes well for a successful pregnancy.

However, I only measured 5-6 weeks (I should be 7 weeks today based on my LMP). The doctor seemed unconcerned and said my ovulation date was most likely off, especially since I'd only had a few postpartum periods. He also seemed unconcerned about the spotting as nothing indicated the blood was coming from my uterus (I am slowly shedding the icky Crinone buildup, which could have caused irritation?)

So I guess I am a little more optimistic, but not yet convinced that this will result in a baby. It just seems like too many things are stacking against me....low beta, low/dropping progesterone, measuring two weeks behind, spotting....these things are not in the recipe for a successful pregnancy!!!

But for now I will cherish the image of our little bean in my belly with its little heart fluttering away.

And, it has been so wonderful to hear from all of you! I missed you guys so much.

uncharted territory

First, an apology. I am a crap blogger. I could come up with a lot of excuses....but none of them are any good. So a simple "I'm sorry" will have to do.

Second, an update. The girls are now 15 months and the lights of our lives. They are beautiful, fascinating little people that make me laugh on a daily basis. We love them so very, very much.

Third, some news. I am pregnant. Completely, 100% unplanned and quite a shock if I do say so myself. I've only had 4 periods since I weaned the girls at 11 months. I was pleasantly surprised that I had textbook 28-day cycles with a nice glob of EWCM right in the middle each month. B and I knew we wanted a third, but decided to take a whatever happens, happens approach. Fertility treatments were not in the cards due to the risk of multiples, expense, etc. etc. I figured we could pursue that sometime in the future if our aching for a third grew. Never in my wildest dreams did I think we'd actually get pregnant.

My period was late on May 7. I had a little spotting for a few days, then nothing. Then this.

My first beta on May 11 was a pitiful 29 and my progesterone a measly 14. I was sure it was a chemical, but my doc started me on crinone. I took the test on a Friday afternoon (dumb dumb dumb!), right before we left for a week-long vacation in California. So I waited until May 22 for my second beta. (I know, right?! I am trying so hard to be Zen about this...the old me would have rushed to the nearest lab in California for second, third, fourth betas). My second beta came back today at 1932. A nice doubling time of 43 hours. But there is bad news. My progesterone dropped to 11. UGH. So tomorrow I start prometrium twice a day (my insurance company won't cover Crinone and it is just too expensive to pay for out of pocket).

So we wait. Until Tuesday for my first ultrasound which will determine if this pregnancy is viable or not. I'm in an ok place. I am so thrilled and relieved that I can get pregnant on my own. This "bonus" baby would be amazing, but I just can't go there yet.

And, in the end, I have these two little bugs to warm my heart. Life is good.

Checking in

Hello!!!! I just wanted to check in (thanks for the reminder Oak) and share a quick pic of the girls. We're doing great, although very busy and dealing with extremely spotty internet service at our lake house. No excuse, I know, but I hope when things settle down and I'm back at work, I'll have more time to blog and re-engage with the blogging world. I do read all your posts on my phone, I just can't comment. Miss you all and hope everyone is doing well :)

Summer days

It finally feels like summer here in Chicago.

The girls and I are enjoying every second.

Happy June everyone :)

This is your life

A friend once told me that you lose a little bit of yourself when you have a child. It's true. You have to lose a bit of yourself to make room for the enormous love that takes over your being. I knew life would be different, of course, but one of the most surprising things about motherhood to me is accepting that I have to redefine myself. Before my daughters were born, I was defined by many things...a wife, daughter, friend...my job, tennis, music...and for about a year, I felt like I was nothing but my infertility.

Every single day I think about how things could be so very different and how blessed I am to have my delicious baby girls. I thank my lucky stars more than you can imagine. Yet despite being completely over-the-moon to be where I am today, it's an adjustment.

As the girls and I trek around the city every day, I can't help but feel a little bit lonely and lost in the world. Sure, everyone smiles at me and stops me to ask Are they twins? Are they identical? Do twins run in your family? How old are they? I am so, so, so proud to be their mama, but this new role still seems so foreign. I feel like I barely know these beautiful beings, so how is it that I am their mother? How on earth can I be responsible for things so perfect and precious? Why do I deserve this while so many other still struggle? And how do I not screw it up?

I know everyone doubts their abilities as parents at times and it's ok to feel this way, but do any of you struggle with finding yourself as a mother? Perhaps this is what they call survivors guilt?

Twin Must-Haves

Piggy-backing of Egg's super helpful post for twin mamas to be (I agree whole heartedly agree with everything), here are my additions, plus a few random postpartum thoughts.

Zulily and Gilt Groupe...these website have great deals on clothes, and when you're buying two of everything, steals on designer clothes are great! I've found a ton of reeeeeeally cute stuff for the girls and it's much easier than shopping in stores and boutiques because in-store they rarely have two of the same size on the sale rack. They also have maternity clothes!

Bottle props...one of the only good things about the NICU was that the girls came home on the same schedule and eating a decent amount at each feeding. Although we have stretched the three hour increments much longer (8 hours at night!!!), we still feed both babies at the same time. Since I'm often alone for a feeding, these have become invaluable! I plop the babies in their car seats and get them started on their bottles while I tidy up, prep the next bottles, etc. etc. They are a major time saver! (side note: these are awesome, but nothing beats snuggling your little one while feeding, even when just giving them a bottle...which is always what I do when someone else is around to take the other baby...bottle props are for solo feedings only)

Night nurse...yeah, I thought it was frivilous, too...until I talked to a few twin mamas who all said that having help at night is a must. Could we have done it alone? Yeah. Would we be cranky, exhausted, and short tempered? Hell yeah. Would our marriage have suffered? Probably. Am I a better mom because I'm well rested? Yep. It's expensive, no doubt, but honestly I would have had no problem trading in a bunch of other crap we have for the extra help. She came for 10 hours per night, three times a week for the first few weeks and then twice a week, then once a week. She loved our girls so much and was so sweet with them...plus she gave us some great tips that we never learned in any of our classes (A+D ointment for stubborn diaper rash, towels under the mattress for reflux, letting Ouiser burp twice during a feeding, etc. etc.) My MIL paid for our night nurse as a baby gift - it is the best gift we received! So if you can make it work, do it!

Postpartum...you won't want to wear your maternity shirts - they hug your belly and you will look pregnant, which you don't want to do anymore! But you probably won't fit your pre-preggo clothes either. Stock up on some cheap-o blousy tops that you think you'll wear even when you're back in shape, but flatter your postpartum figure. I love these babydoll-style tanks for my workouts these days!

Oh, and a few posts back I asked for sports bra recommendations and went out and bought the Tata Tamer at Lululemon...SOOOOO perfect for taming my huge ta-tas...I wouldn't be able to run without it!

Lastly, if I could re-do one gear-related thing, it would be to forgo the expensive cribs. We bought pretty pricey cribs at Gi.ggle while my parents bought cribs from Wal.mart for their house in Wisconsin. Honestly? They are really similar and the Gi.ggle cribs cost more than 6 times the Wal.mart ones. Sure, the Gi.ggle cribs convert from the bassinet to a full crib, but we could have easily made do with the Fisher Price swings discussed in Egg's post and a full size crib. Lesson learned! :)